Pet Cobra

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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Conspicuously absent over the past two days (working at a job fair in Hell-A yesterday, and uninspired on Monday), I return to discuss Momentous Happenings in the world.

Another Great Victory in The War On Terror! An Evil Fiend has been prevented from unleashing his Diabolical Machinations (sp?) on an unsuspecting America. I refer to the Dastardly Madman YUSEF ISLAM, better known by his slave name - Cat Stevens. Yes, we can all rest easy knowing that G-Man John Ashcroft and his Untouchables have prevented the Maniacal (I'm running out of adjectives) Artist Formerly Known As Cat Stevens from launching a 20-city club and State Fair tour, where he planned to spew such hate-mongering, "America-is-the-Great-Satan" anthems as "Peace Train" and "Morning Has Broken". We've endured beheadings and car bombs, but 70's soft rock classics...the horror...the HORROR....

Turning now to the World of Sport, news regarding adding more sports to the Olympics:

Rugby: the Rugby World Cup is, behind the Soccer World Cup and Olympics, the third most watched competition in the world. You all know my feelings on The Beautiful Game, but unlike the other "sports" under consideration, rugby will appeal to American football fans and certainly stands the best chance of success.

Karate: No. We already have taekwondo. Unless the karate competition was modelled after the competition in Bruce Lee's "Enter The Dragon". Fights would be to the death, the contestants would get extra points for saying things like "Ahhhh....your Shaolin is very powerful! But it cannot defeat my Five Tiger Style!!!!", the broadcasts would be dubbed (poorly), and there'd be one judge - Chairman Kaga from "Iron Chef".

Roller sports: No. Unless it's Rollerball (the 70's James Caan version, not the godawful remake).

Squash and golf: These are not sports. These are games. Many people have come up with creative ways to separate the two. Mine is simple. A game is a recreational activity during which participants can smoke and drink. (Yes - this includes softball. I always play better with a couple of beers in me. So does Jennie Finch. Honest.) Squash, for those of you who weren't alive in the 70's when people actually played it, is raquetball. (And my axiom holds up here - witness John Candy vs. Tom Hanks in the movie "Splash".

Finally, proof that not all French people are cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Meet Alain Robert - professional bad ass.


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